


Don't let me be gone

by Akiko_kitsune



Series: Sick of losing soulmates [4]
Category: Gintama
Genre: Aftermath, Heavy Angst, Love Confessions, M/M, Near Death Experiences, Past Relationship(s), Post-Canon, Post-Time Skip, Redemption, Teacher-Student Relationship, There is comfort in this one
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-04
Updated: 2018-12-30
Packaged: 2019-08-27 21:06:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,370
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16710031
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Akiko_kitsune/pseuds/Akiko_kitsune
Summary: Earth was saved and Tendoushuu were defeated, but Takasugi can't let himself die yet or maybe ever. For the first time in a long time, he regained hope to save the one person he cared the most. Even if it would cost his life, he wouldn't let anything to stop him. He was going to bring back Yoshida Shouyou.





	1. Takasugi POV

**Author's Note:**

> TW: Suicidal tendencies, but nothing graphical or explicit.
> 
> And the last part of this train wreck, though it's coming in two chapters cause I needed a lot of space to untangle most of the conflicts Sorachi lately established. It starts dark and angsty, but that's how canon is for them, later it clears up, I swear!
> 
> The title is a line from "Goner" by Twenty-One Pilots

Was there anything more to fight for?   
  
Takasugi tried to die too many times, but even in his boldest assumption he never thought he would survive this long.   
  
_ It won’t be much more than this _ , he thought pressing his hand to the wound on his stomach. It wasn’t the only one he had, but it stung the most. With those injuries, it wouldn’t take long to die. And he wouldn’t survive this time.   
  
_ Finally _ \- this word was pushing on his lips, but somehow he could find comfort in it. Maybe his instinct made him fight to the end. Maybe he couldn’t let himself die peacefully.   
  
What a pitiful man. He could even die gracefully. Even worse. He couldn’t let himself die.   
  
There was always something more to do. Until his heart was beating, he was moving forward. There was no longer a place for him to stop. And...   
  
He wanted to fight for Shouyou.   
  
That was ridiculous. Even if everyone around told him it was hopeless. That the man he used to know was beyond being saved. That they could only stop him from doing more damage.   
  
Takasugi didn't care. Shouyou could kill off the whole planet and he would still look at him the same way.   
  
Maybe both of them were beyond saving.   
  


* * *

  
Takasugi failed. Tendoushuu grabbed Shouyou.   
  
It didn’t stop him.   
  
They beat him. They humiliated him. They stabbed him and left on the floor to bleed out.   
  
It didn’t stop him.   
  
He couldn’t. He got so close to saving Shouyou. To accomplish his everlasting dream. To reach something that even he believed was beyond his reach. But now, when his hand nearly touch it, he found himself unable to stop.   
  
Or maybe at this point, he became afraid to look back on what he had made by all his actions in this life.   
  
It didn’t matter. He still had a few things to do. He still had to judge the heavens. To bring them all down and teach them how to die. That was a prize for hurting people important to him. Of hurting Shouyou.   
  
For the first time in a while, he felt like he was the one moving his own body. It was his own war, not anyone else’s. And he was going to fight it alone. He had already stepped on too many corpses to get where he stood now.   
  


* * *

  
He found Shouyou. Tendoushuu got him. Though they got only his body. It was missing his heart.   
  
When Takasugi saw him like this, would anyone blame him, he lost control. He tried to kill off everyone in sight. It ended badly.   
  
He lost consciousness during the fight and woke up in an unfamiliar place.   
  
_ Did I die? _ _  
_   
No. If he was dead, his body wouldn’t hurt so much.   
  
Had he died? He still didn’t get used to it. He never knew if he temporarily lost consciousness or if he died. Well, until it was temporary, it didn’t matter.   
  
They thought he died. They dumped his lifeless body like trash without paying much attention.   
  
Laying there in the dirt with his body nearly decomposing, Takasugi was smiling. He got to see Shouyou. After all these years.    
  
He covered his eyes with his hand. He felt something wet.   
  
Everything that he was holding in all these years broke out.   
  
He even got a crazy idea that he should go back there and see him again. Try to reach him.. And like this drain his own body of all what was left in it. It wouldn't be a bad death. Looking at Shouyou again and again...   
  
But there was also another feeling slowly boiling inside of him. They were hurting him. Repeatedly. Endlessly.   
  
Takasugi wiped out his face and forced his body to stand up. To move one more time. He had to survive. He had to live. He had to save him.    
  
He needed a plan.   
  


* * *

  
Takasugi had a chance to meet with Gintoki on his way. He had the missing heart. On impulse, Takasugi tried to steal it. It would be easier if he did everything by himself. Gintoki didn’t let him. But he offered help. Strange things happen if you live too long.   
  
One night, when Gintoki was asleep, Takasugi thought again about running away. They were close to Edo, he could get to the coast by himself. He would be caught again, but maybe it was worth to try. He sneaked past Gintoki and searched his belongings.  He took the heart. He held it in his hands. He wanted to feel how it was. It was warm.   
  
Did they know what they were doing?   
  
Shouyou made his peace with being gone. Even if it wasn’t death, even if he was still hurt, he chose to sacrifice himself. Someone had to end this story.   
  
It won’t end like that.   
  
Takasugi w ouldn’t allow it.   
  
Even if it brought them only more suffering, he couldn’t give up now.    
  
But he could run away with it. Do everything by himself, so no one else would get hurt.   
  
And then what?   
  
He would be killed before he could reach Shouyou again. He was too weak. He needed Gintoki. He needed anyone to be by his side. He became so weak he couldn’t accomplish anything by himself.   
  
Takasugi forced himself to put in back on its place.   
  
It was safer in Gintoki’s hands.   
  
As long as he was willing to go with him, it was safer with him.   
  


* * *

  
Takasugi was too weak to save Shouyou. But he wasn’t alone. Together they managed to atone all the humanity sins. Takasugi was one of the men who risked everything and saved Shouyou.   
  
And like this everything ended well.   
  
If only life could end at that one moment of happiness. But in life there no credit roll after completing a major story arc. No, it would be too merciful. No matter if it was good or bad, you had to live on.   
  
“What are you going to do?” Sakamoto asked playfully.   
  
It had been a few weeks since it all ended. Everyone was returning to their lives. Everyone apart of course Takasugi. He made whole his life a fight, a mission. When he accomplished it, there stayed nothing. Or rather nothing that he dared to reach for.   
  
“Why do you care?” Takasugi scoffed.   
  
“Cold as always.”   
  
“I can take care of myself.”   
  
Sakamoto didn't try to joke about it. Takasugi knew he could fool anyone with this. He showed the whole world once again how weak and depended he was.   
  
It didn't matter.   
  
They saved Shouyou. It was all that mattered.   
  
“So  you got him  back.”   
  
“Yes, I did.”   
  
“What now?”   
  
Takasugi sighed. “Nothing.”   
  
Sakamoto laughed. "You and being shy? Never thought I would see it. He must be really special..."   
  
“I still love him. I thought it was so long that… But no matter how many years passed, I still have feelings for him.”   
  
“You shouldn’t be telling this to me then...”   
  
“It won’t work out.”   
  
“Who knows?”   
  
“Having him here is more than enough.”   
  
“So… You fought so hard to see him again and now you’re going to avoid him?”   
  
“I won’t avoid him. I know I can’t.”   
  
Sakamoto sighed. “You know how to find me if you need anything.”   
  
“There would be no need for you anymore.”   
  
“I know, I know. You can’t let anyone see your softy heart.”   
  
Takasugi rolled his eyes.   
  
However, Sakamoto was right about one thing. Takasugi was a coward. But there were more things he tried to avoid than telling Shouyou what he used to feel for him and what he still felt.   
  
Now when everything was reaching its closure, Takasugi had no longer any place to run to. Any battle to fight. He had to face his own ending.   
  
There was no other choice.   
  
There were still a few things left that he needed to do by himself. He had to push himself to move and end everything till his heart was still beating.   
  
He would not die as a coward.   
  
Takasugi went to the cemetery. Facing the dead felt the easiest. They wouldn’t talk back. It was only a matter of swallowing shame and facing his faults on his own.   
  
It wasn't hard to find the mass grave that served as a memorial for the soldiers who died fighting for their planet. There were so many names inscribed on it. There was listed nearly whole his Kiheitai. There were left alive so few of them that it was strange there was still someone who knew each of these names and helped to put them here.   
  
Takasugi should be that person. He shouldn't have run away leaving behind his troops.   
  
First, you fight a battle. Second, you treat the injured. Third, you dig the graves for the fallen. Fourth, you move on.   
  
Takasugi skipped parts that seemed too hard. After that battle, he couldn't bring himself to face his people. He had failed them and he was going to do something even worse. Leave them behind, do something egoistic and probably destroy the world they were dying to save.   
  
His eyes finally dare to focus on one name.   
  
Kawakami Bansai.   
  
_ Here is where following your own orders take you to. _ _  
_   
They were both idiots. Only one of them was too stupid to die yet.   
  
_ Why had you left me? _ That was too egoistic to even think about. Why did he expect anyone to stay if he pushed everyone away? And he never gave anything in return. Only when he lost him, he felt how important Bansai was to him. Only when all that was left was a hole that would never be filled.   
  
Takasugi took out his sleeve incenses he brought to burn at the grave. Three sticks seemed too little for so many names. Maybe he should come here more. Until he burned enough incenses to commemorate every death.   
  
Why was he left to take care of everyone's graves? Was it a penitent for not caring enough of these people when they were still alive. He wanted to shout how they dared to die before him, but he knew it was all his own fault.   
  
So he stayed silent and ignited the incenses.   
  
_ Maybe in the next life, you will meet someone better _ , Takasugi thought when his eyes followed the smoke.   
  
He felt he wasn’t alone there.   
  
He looked back, but as soon as he noticed who it was, it smoothed all his senses. “I didn’t expect to meet you here, sensei.”   
  
“I wondered where you disappeared for so long.”   
  
“I’m sorry I made y ou worry.” He lowered his head for a moment.   
  
Shouyou smiled gently but stayed quiet. Since he got back he was quieter than they recalled. He was like a ghost. His eyes turned to the names inscribed on the grave.   
  
"All the people who died because of me."   
  
"No. They are all the people who died to save the world."   
  
“Was it worth all of this?”   
  
“While dying everyone struggle even for one more breath. So we struggled.” Takasugi stood up. “I can’t speak in a name of people who lay here. But for us, for your good for nothing student, saving you was worth fighting.”   
  
"You knew some of them?"   
  
"I knew many of them." His gaze returned to the grave. He read these names once again. He knew too many of them. If he had done anything differently, would there be fewer victims? Where did he make mistake again? Where did he keep always failing? “Sensei,” he said unconsciously.  “I’ve gotten so lost…”   
  
When he looked back, Shouyou was still there. It wasn’t a ghost or illusion, he was really back.   
  
“Let’s walk a bit,” Shouyou suggested.   
  
Takasugi nodded and stood up. Looking at the names of the dead wouldn’t bring him anything. When all was buried down, the only thing left to do was moving on. This part was always the hardest for him. But he would eventually learn it. After all, he had his teacher back.   
  
“What is bothering you so much?”   
  
“I let a lot of people down. I never gave them anything in return…”   
  
“Would they turn themselves to you if you were truly terrible? Yo were giving them at least one thing which I got to see with my own eyes. You gave them hope. You gave us all hope. Even to me and Gintoki. We would be long gone if there was for you.”   
  
“You would figure something out.”   
  
“You have too much faith in us," Shouyou sighed. "Let's phrase it differently - the war is over. There is no longer generals and soldiers, there are only people and people can make mistakes. Now is the time when all the past generals lost their fame whether it was good or bad.”   
  
“Rather bad.”   
  
“So do you have anything to lose?”   
  
“It takes a lot of courage…”   
  
“You’re going to tell me you’re no longer that brave boy I used to know?” Shouyou joked.   
  
“There may be some courage left.”   
  
Only Shouyou could look so proud at his hopeless students.   
  
“You were always trying to hide this side of you. Whenever you thought something would make you seem weaker than others. It has probably got worse with time…” Shouyou looked at his student. “Not all the people are your enemies… In contrary to me…” he sigh ed.   
  
“Then I don't mind to stand against the whole world. But it will go differently this time. We won't let anyone  hurt you.”   
  
“So I’m safe now? After what happened, it feels strange. Like it isn’t my life. Maybe it's a pleasant dream… I still have to find my place in this world.”   
  
“Come back to being a teacher. You were good at it.”   
  
“After all that I’ve  done?”   
  
“Is it that different from when you were our teacher?”   
  
“I'm more scared than I was then. I learn how fragile was everything I've built, how heavy were all my mistakes, how much suffering could bring the smallest words...”   
  
“Many times I heard that for others I'm like a light they want to follow,” Takasugi started. “Same for Gintoki and Zura. But we weren't light. We carried the light you gave us. And we saved the world. So you taught us well.”   
  
Shouyou smiled. “And how about you and your place in this world?”   
  
_ It's right by side. It always was and it always will be if you let me. I loved you. And I still love you.  _ _  
_   
Why those words were so hard to say out loud? For once Sakamoto was right. Shyness didn’t suit him.   
  
He said only, “I don't know yet.”   
  
“You’re smart. You’ll figure out your path.”   
  
“Always believing in your students.”   
  
“That’s how being a teacher works. Haven’t you wanted me to come back to that profession?” he smiled.   
  
When they walked long away from the cemetery, Shouyou slowed down. He got interested with two girls who were playing with each other. They ran near to Shouyou. One of them tripped.   
  
“Watch out.” Shouyou managed to catch her in the last moment and helped her to get up on her own feet. “Take care of one another, okay?” He said to both of them. And when girls nodded, Shouyou reached to his sleeve and gave them candies.   
  
“You weren’t so nice to us.”   
  
“I didn’t want to spoil you too much,” Shouyou said with a smile, but after a few steps, something started to bother him.   
  
“Everything’s alright?” Takasugi asked.   
  
“Sometimes I wonder... My hands took so many lives, brought so much pain that if I touch something that is still pure in this world, I may taint it.”   
  
“Everyone’s hands are bloodstained. Only kids are pure, but not for long.”   
  
“Does it mean we should stop paying our attention to this?”   
  
“It means the world has to change.”   
  
Shouyou seemed pleased with this answer. But soon his expression saddened. “How's Gintoki?”   
  
_ Why would I know _ was coming on Takasugi's lips, but he suppressed it. “Good. He had many friends here. They’ll take good care of him.”   
  
Shouyou nod ded and went on in sile nce for a moment.   
  
“I hurt him a lot,” he spoke up again. “I shouldn’t have put him through all of it.”   
  
“Gintoki will be good. He always is. And now, we have you back.”   
  
“Is it any good to have me around?”   
  
“It’s more than we could ever ask for.”   
  
“You should give yourselves some credit for saving the world.”   
  
“We haven’t done anything out of the ordinary. We were just your wayward students.”   
  


* * *

  
Takasugi gathered all the courage that was left in him to face another thing, he was running away from. People who were still alive. It didn't take much to find them. There were still in town and they didn’t try hiding. They were no longer criminals in this world.   
  
“Shinsuke-sama,” he heard. It wasn't the scream he got used to hearing. Matako was staring at him unsure what to do. After all, she saw a ghost. It wasn't an everyday sight.   
  
Takechi was with her. Was it because of Takasugi's order or would he choose to do it no matter what he was said? Who could tell after only a glimpse of an eye?   
  
Takasugi shouldn't come to them. He should let them forget about him. Yet, he was always coming back to them.   
  
“I apologise I left you after that battle.”   
  
“We thought you were mad at us,” Matako dared to speak first.   
  
“Why would I…?”   
  
“We were only bothering you. And we had lost.”   
  
“We did not lose completely. We manage to save the world.”   
  
No matter how much we have lost.   
  
“We did,” Takechi nodded. “And we changed the government as we intended.”   
  
Takasugi nodded. If only he co uld freeze this mom ent and keep it forever like this, but he had to continue: "My fight become too egoistic to drag you in with me. To make you die for it."   
  
"We wouldn't mind," Matako said.   
  
"I would," he cut her off. “It's all over now.”   
  
"Was it because Bansai-senpai died?”   
  
He tried not to pay it any attention. Although, she was right. After Bansai's death, Takasugi couldn't bring himself to be a general again. To lead people to die. Again and again. Till there was nothing left. He was poisoning everything around.   
  
He tried to push these thoughts away. “Make most of the world I gave you," he said them and turned back. It enough for one day.   
  
“You're leaving again?”   
  
He stopped and looked at her again. Why did he get so attached to them even if he was pushing them away whole this time?   
  
“I'll still be around. It's… The fight is over. We have to try and live normally.”   
  
She didn't oppose it. Maybe she was used to taking his words without complaining or she agreed with it on some level. She only asked: "What about you, Shinsuke-sama?"   
  
"I have one unfinished business."   
  
He had Shouyou back. He wanted to spend all his heartbeats with him.   
  
After a few steps, he turned back. There was one more thing he needed to say:   
  
“Thank you. For staying by my side.”   
  
It felt pitiful, but ever since Rakuyo he was grateful that stayed with him no matter the odds. No matter if he could offer them anything or not.   
  
It brought out a smile on Matako’s face and sparkled stars in her eyes. Takechi was more restrained in his reaction, but it was also positive. He bowed his head with a smile.   
  
So it was the right choice of words.   
  
Now everyone had to turn to their own lives.   
  
Takasugi went straight to Shouyou. He wandered and made mistakes enough in his life to know where he should go. Now, he would try to correct all his past mistakes.   
  
He will confess him his feelings.   
  
He won’t let him go away.   
  
He won’t let him sacrifice himself.   
  
He won’t let him die alone.   
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments save my life and you can also find me on twitter @AkikoKitsune


	2. Shouyou POV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A really late ending to my series, but I'll hope you'll enjoy it.

Shouyou came back to life.

It wasn’t something he wanted, but could he be mad if the first thing he saw were faces of his precious students?

Gintoki and Kotaro seemed unsure if it was a good thing, if their fight was over. Shinsuke didn't have any doubts. He was smiling. There was so much happiness written in his face and eyes... In one of his eyes. The other one was sealed in a never-ending the nightmare. How did happen? Who had hurt him so badly? Shouyou wished he could have prevented it. This or any other wound that covered Shinsuke’s body, heart and soul.

It had been years since these boys, now they were fine men, since they were Shouyou's students. They could still hold some sentient towards him, but they had grown up from who he used to know.

Gintoki had found his way with people and gained thousands of friends out there. It was good. It gave him the strength he needed to get through his life. It kept him away from repeating Shouyou's mistakes.

Kotaro always wanted to fight for the common people. Now he dared to break some rules and he led successful revolution He was still known a man of honour. No matter if you asked his allies or his adversaries. Though he seemed more carefree than he used to.

Shinsuke had chosen the most morally ambiguous path out of them. What was thought about him depended on who was asked. Answers varied from a hero as bright as stars to the cold-blooded murderer. His actions were debatable, but he wasn't driven by any ill-will. And even if he was, Shouyou wouldn't be anyone's judge.

Nobume, as she was called now, she was doing well. She raised to be a strong independent woman. A chief of Edo's police. Interesting choice. His students rather tended to stray from law and order.

It was all he could tell by a short glimpse of her, he got when he met her. He saw her only once since he came back. She watched him sharply, ready to draw her blade. Shouyou didn't judge her as well.

What happened with other students? Did all of them die? Had they left him so fast?

What happened to Oboro?

Shouyou probably shouldn't seek answers to these questions. He should focus on setting himself a new life, not to catch glimpses of his past one. Yet, which path was left for him to pursue after all he had done?

His students tried to help him as much as they could. Even the small apartment he was using was their merit. Though they came here rarely. Shouyou shouldn't focus on it. They had their own lives, so it was good they didn't forsake it for something that should be left in the past.

Kotaro came here only twice. He tried to avoid his teacher's gaze. Shouyou didn't know why and didn't dare to ask.

Gintoki visited him more often. Yet every time he came there he stood by the door hesitating. Shouyou learned to distingue his heavy footsteps, his sighs. When he heard it, he went to the door to ask him to come in.

Shinsuke was coming here each day like there was nothing else for him to do in this world. That was bothering Shouyou even more. Wasn't he running away from something he should deal with? With time Shouyou watched as Shinsuke slowly faced some of his issues. He went to the cemetery to pay respect to his comrades. He reconciled with the ones that stayed alive. Piece by piece he untangled his life. Though, it couldn't be called coming back to his life. He was tying the loose ends. He was ending his story without starting a new chapter. That was frightening, but what should a man facing death do? Shouyou kept forgetting how delicate was human's life. And Shinsuke's kept fading before his own eyes.

He came here again, Shouyou let him in without any questions. Only if he didn't get wet cause it was pouring outside. No, everything was fine.

Because of the rain, there was dark in the apartment, but they knew their places by heart at this point. Takasugi sat by the window, Shouyou next to his desk, but facing his student.

“Would you mind if I smoke?” Takasugi took out from his robes his pipe.

“No, not at all.”

Shouyou started to like the smell of this smoke, though it made him remember that some things changed in his dearest student. Takasugi matured. He grew even more beautiful. Not every change pleased Shouyou. His eyes changed the most. He didn't lose that spark that made people fall for him. But the eyes, that were once so lively and innocent, changed. One was closed forever, the other was always sad and tired. And these dark circles under them stood out on the pale skin as a bitter reminder that his body was wearing off.

Shouyou could give him his blood to keep him alive for a bit longer, but it was probably a temporary solution. Everything was temporary. Only Shouyou was eternal. Always watching as everything around him rooted and died.

Even if it worked, then what?

Shouyou shouldn't be thinking about it. It would never bring him anything good. He needed to ground himself at this moment and enjoy his time with his favourite student.

“You grew up,” he said with a smile.

Takasugi looked at him. “Is it bad?”

“No. It isn’t bad at all.”

“You didn't change at all.”

“It's my course.”

“It isn't that bad.”

“But it did bring me a lot of misery.”

Takasugi stayed silent for a moment. They rarely talked about it. Shouyou didn't want to talk about it. It wasn't the wisest choice, but he didn't know how to talk about this.

Takasugi dared to speak: “You always taught us from your own mistakes?” he said with a smile so gentle that it smoothed Shouyou.

“I've made so much of them, I can teach a few next generations.”

Takasugi sighed and looked out the window again. “I've made a lot of them too.”

“You know you can tell me everything. I'll listen. Whenever you will want me to.”

Takasugi was always a rather closed person, but now he shut the whole world out of him. How much had this world hurt him to bring him to this state?

“Your foolish students stirred a lot of troubles when you were watching.”

“I can imagine. But it's okay. I heard bits and pieces of what happened. People talk about the three of you. Especially in this part of town.”

“They don't have anything flattering to say about me.”

“I heard varied opinions. There are people who see you as a hero.”

“Some people are blind and stupid.”

Shouyou sighed. He couldn't let this talk end on it. “So tell me. Is the man before me truly the essence of evil?”

Takasugi hesitated. But finally spoke. “When we thought you were dead, I wanted to bury my heart by your side. I did no longer need to feel anything if you were gone. It would only be suffering. But I couldn't do such a thing. I survived no matter how many times I tried to die. I tried to push everything away and numb myself. But I didn't know how to make my heart blind towards the cruelty of this world. I couldn't stop myself from feeling and that pushed me into various actions. I didn't want the world that killed you to exist. So I tried to change it or even destroy it. It didn't matter to me. There were other people you wanted the world to change and along the way they joined me. Because of it I often felt like I was tearing apart. One piece of me wanted to be the person people believe in. Someone who would crush that rotten world. The other was more egoistic - I wanted everything to stop. If only I could have numbed everything I felt, maybe I would have been a better leader. Maybe I wouldn't be so weak.”

“Shinsuke, it's no good to numb yourself from feeling. The only way to do it is to drown in the darkness. If you can't do it, then it means that some part of you stayed in the light, that you still have hope the world can be better. That no matter how dark is the night around you, how terrifying it was, you don't let it swallow you. You wouldn't be a better leader if you numb your heart of emotions. You would be a blind struggling in complete darkness.

“You don't know how lost I was…”

“But you have that light in you to guide you. You found a way out of that darkness. Maybe it wasn't the easiest, the noblest one, but not everyone manages to get out from the darkness hold back by their fears.”

Takasugi turned his gaze away, but Shouyou knew his words were reaching him. He knew this boy well no matter how he had changed.

“So please,” Shouyou continued,” Don't call yourself weak because of having emotions. I may seem vulnerable because I let myself feel, but it's nowhere near how weak I felt when I let the darkness swallow me. I could have acted powerful, but I never knew what was coming for me and that was even more terrifying than seeing all the cruelty of this world... I told you I can still teach a few generations with my knowledge.”

“I never doubted in you.”

_It is better to see the cruelty of the world than to stay in the dark._ Shouyou should listen closer to his own teachings.

"Shinsuke… What happened with Oboro?"

"He died. I... I buried him. At Shouka Sonjuku."

"Thank you. I wished you all could meet him. At least you got to know him from this side."

"I... I was the one who killed him."

Shouyou turned silent. He knew the answer to that question would bring only pain. There was nowhere to run away from it know. He had to face it.

“It couldn't be helped,” Shouyou forced himself.

Ironically, that answer raised questions. Most of it would be left unanswered. Oboro lived unknown and he died that way. Takasugi knew only how much he chose to say in his last words. Which may be near nothing. Yet, if Takasugi knew Oboro was one of his students, then…

Shouyou asked only about one more thing. It was all he needed to know. “Did he hate me?”

“No,” Takasugi said sure of his words. “His only regret was that he should have run away and become your student at Shouka Sonjuku.”

The answers would only bring the pain. He brought it on himself, so he had to swallow it. He pushed away all the what-if scenarios. He couldn't change the past nor hope for the softer next life. He had to face what this life would bring him. “People come and go. I have yet to learn this.”

The room filled with an eerie silence. No outside noise dared to crawl in. The rain had to stop. Although it didn't get any brighter. It had to be after dark already. Soon Takasugi would be going to leave. Somethings were inevitable.

Takasugi also noticed lack of raindrops sound. He looked back at the window he had forgotten about during the talk. “Sky cleared up. The moon looks beautiful. If you come closer…” he hesitated when he returned his gaze to his teacher.

Shouyou smiled and walked to him. He sat near his dear student. He looked at the window to see the moon above the roofs of buildings. It shined so brightly against all the darkness of the night.

“It is truly beautiful,” he looked back at his student.

“Shouyou…” Takasugi hesitated and gave up to say. He put his eyes low and returned to smoking.

There was something Takasugi wanted to tell him for a few days. Shouyou had no idea what it was or if it was good or bad news. Yet he knew that was the last unfinished business Shinsuke had to take care of before leaving this world. One day he would gather enough courage say it. Shouyou was sure if it. But not today. Shouyou made it harder for him. He should have brought out Oboro.

Shouyou stayed close to his student. He tried to change the mood and while watching the always busy street under then, he said. “I like this city. It’s big and diverse I can sink in the crowd. I like to walk around, listen to people…”

“I thought you rarely went out.”

“You’re right.” He could let himself be vulnerable near his dearest student. He’d already showed him so much, that there was no point in trying to hide anything. “I'm afraid. I know nothing bad will happen if I go out, people don't go hurting each other in the middle of town in daylight. Yet I can't stop myself from thinking what if someone recognized me.”

“Is it that bothering you?”

“It's just always in the back of my head,” Shouyou sighed. One day he would learn how to let go of all his fear, for now, he had to live with them.

Takasugi stood up. Shouyou didn't pay it much attention. The moon was up in the sky so their separation was close. He turned to his student when he didn't hear him going out.

Takasugi was still by his side. “Let's go for a walk.” He looked Shouyou in the eyes and smirked. “I used to be the world's most wanted criminal and still get to enjoy the night. I know which roads to choose.”

Shouyou smiled and took his hand to stand up. Their fingers stayed tangled together for a bit longer. Soon they got separated as if Shinsuke recalled himself it wasn't appropriate behaviour. Shouyou didn't mind it.

They went outside and walked for a bit without talking. Shouyou watched how freely Takasugi felt wandering around this city. He knew every corner so well, he could get wherever he wanted with his eye closed. It made Shouyou relax, no matter what kind of people they passed. His eyes stayed on his student. Where else could anyone's gaze go, when Takasugi was near walking confidently with a little smirk on his lips. He always had fair features, but he grew up to be a real beauty. The most beautiful being Shouyou had ever seen.

Takasugi probably had found someone dear to him. It was good. He deserved being loved. He deserved good things. And Shouyou would give everything to make him happy, even if it meant stepping away.

"You came later than usual today,” Shouyou cut the silence. “Did you meet your friends?"

"Yeah." Takasugi's expression darkened a bit. Something was bothering him.

"Everything's alright with them?"

"Yes. It's just... I'm still hesitating if it's better to keep in touch with or to let them go... Maybe it's selfish, but it isn't easy for me to cut all my ties with them. I guess I've come to like them."

“What do they think about it? Do they enjoy spending time with you?”

“I guess.”

“Then there is no reason to push them away.”

“Maybe you're right... Sensei, I’ve learned something thanks to them - no matter how much you push people away, you're never truly alone. There is always someone to stay by your side. No matter how cruel the world looks like, there are always some kind people in it.”

"I was always in awe how smart students I had."

“I felt like it also applies to you. You cut yourself from the rest of the world. I imagine why, but you can't keep on living hidden somewhere.”

“I have some experience of it.”

“Sensei…”

“I know. You're right. I should face my fears, not run away from them.”

“I just don't want you to feel left alone.”

“I’ll always have my foolish students, won't I?”

"Zura is busy with his idiocies, Gintoki comes rarely. There stays only me and I…” he cut himself off. “There are a lot more people you should get to know... You can go to Gintoki's place and these kids. They're nice."

"But they know... They the other me."

"They know you're important to Gintoki. That's all that matters to them. They also tried to save you."

"Maybe I need a bit more time."

"Okay. So for now, you're stuck with me."

"I'm not complaining."

Takasugi smiled. "But if you change your mind, I was thinking about something with Gintoki..."

"I smell troubles," Shouyou chuckled.

"I hope not. Sometimes we can cooperate."

"Oh, yes, miracles sometimes happen."

Takasugi laughed.

"We could set you a job. As a teacher. In regular school, I know you would want more freedom with your teachings, but for starters, it may be good enough."

"Thank you. I'll try."

"When you're ready..."

"I've hidden from the world long enough." Shouyou wasn't sure about these words before he spoke them out loud. He only knew they might bring a smile on Takasugi's lips. And they did. Also, they felt reasonable and right. Shouyou should try to make anything from his life. “Why are you fighting for me so hard?” he asked.

“You're our teacher. You fought a lot for us. Now it's our turn to return the favour.”

“You can still look at me and not see…”

“What?”

“You aren’t seeing the monster?”

“Cause you aren’t one.” Takasugi came closer like he wanted to take a better look on his master. It didn't change the manner he was always looking at him. “There is a part of you that is scared, that is angry, it broke free once, but that has been always here. I saw it then too.”

“And it didn’t scare you?”

“I’m not that easy to get scared,” Takasugi smirked. "Do you see me as a murderer, cause I spill a lot of blood. Not only on the battlefield.” He looked at Shouyou waiting for the verdict.

“I know. I know your hands have taken tons of lives. But I do believe there is a lot more in you than this. And you said once ‘everyone's hands are bloodstained nowadays’.”

“Does it scare you? I'm stronger than the kid you used to know.”

“I assume, but you're still hundreds of years too young to match me.”

 

* * *

 

Takasugi came to school during a class. He didn't interrupt, only waited and watched Shouyou. The lesson was finishing in short, so the teacher didn't see a reason to end it sooner because of his guest.

“Some things never change, huh?" Shouyou said when after class Takasugi came close to him. "You always looked at me like that when I was teaching.”

“Did I?” Takasugi hummed amused. “How was it to teach after all these years?”

“I haven't forgotten my profession,” Shouyou said proudly. He told him everything that had happened that day, about the classes and about the students. Talking always came so naturally between them.

Takasugi coughed. He covered his mouth with his hand and after he quickly tightened it and pulled it back. Shouyou did notice the blood. They weren't given enough time.

“I should go...”

“My place is closer,” Shouyou cut him off. He didn't know if it was true cause Takasugi had a lot of hideouts in Edo. It didn't matter. Shouyou couldn't let him go anywhere alone like this.

Takasugi sighed and surrendered. He dared to speak when they got to the Shouyou’s apartment. He could no longer endure his worried gaze. “Shouyou… It’s okay. I chose it.”

“And I can’t understand it. Why have you done this to yourself?”

“Only a ghost can grab a ghost” Takasugi smiled. “You deserved happiness. After all, you gave us, it was something we had to do. I… I couldn’t watch you suffer again.”

“I know… Do you need anything to eat or drink? I can get you anything…”

“Just let me stay here for a bit.” Takasugi leaned on the wall. “I won't bother you much. You know it as well as I do, I don't have left a lot of time."

He was healing. It became so slow that it might be a matter of days till his body refused to continue this fight.

“Maybe try to get some sleep.”

Takasugi didn't have the power to disagree. He let Shouyou lead him to the bedroom.

"What if I wake up and all of it turns out to be only a dream…?" Takasugi murmured when he lay down.

"Then if you wake up, you'll make it come true and you won't stop till accomplish all this you gain in this beautiful dream," Shouyou said gently stroking his cheek.

"You're right," Takasugi smiled.

"Get a bit of rest. You fought long enough."

Shouyou stayed by his side when he was falling asleep. He watched over him the whole night. He couldn't push himself to leave. He should. As always. He should stay back.

His hand ruffled Takasugi's hair. He would do anything for this boy. The best he could do would be moving away from him. But would Takasugi let him go?

“Sometimes you have to let go. You can't fight forever. It will only make you suffer.”

Takasugi wasn't the kind of person who accepted his defeat. He always kept fighting. And Shouyou could only treat his wounds.

How could he treat his wounds this time? How could he ease this amount of pain?

 

* * *

 

Near dawn, it started to rain again making it impossible to distinguish day from the night. Did it matter? Shouyou spent whole this time sitting on the bed watching over his student’s dreams or looking by the window. When raindrops started measuring time by hitting the windowsill, it caught all his attention. He looked back when he felt some movement near to him. Takasugi was waking up.

“Good morning. Are you feeling better?” Shouyou smiled at him.

“Could be worse,” he murmured turning from side to side hesitating between being awake and sleeping. He chose one of the sides and forced his eye to open to look at Shouyou. “You were sitting here whole night?”

“No. I've just come to check in you,” he lied. “I'll make you something for breakfast,” Shouyou stood up. By the door, he looked back at Takasugi. “Is everything alright?” he asked seeing how his student stared at him.

“No. Yes,” Takasugi sighed and sat up. He gathered his thoughts for a moment. Shouyou waited. “Every time I wake up and nothing hurts, I think that I’ve died. But then I saw you and that would mean I’m in heaven. In heaven that I haven't deserved. So I just sit and wait for some disaster that will break this dream. It still hasn't come.”

“Everything will be alright.”

“I know. I still haven’t accepted it.”

“What is there to accept?”

“Happiness.” He raised his gaze to meet Shouyou's eyes. His boy got so broken by this world it was crushing his heart. Shouyou just wanted to embrace him until all the pieces came to its places. Yet he knew it wouldn't work. “Sensei, I don’t think I deserve anything. I lead so many people to death, I took so many lives, I stepped on so many corpses. There’s no heaven mean for me.”

Shouyou went back to him and sat silently. How could he explain that it wasn’t true? Which words to use when he didn’t know how to convince himself?

Takasugi leaned on Shouyou's arm. He probably still wanted to sleep.

“It would be alright. Give yourself time,” Shouyou said. “You also have to eat something.”

Takasugi nodded. And let him go. The didn't get separated for long. It seemed impossible for them. Takasugi soon joined him in the small kitchen.

“I don't know if I ever slept so peacefully when you weren't around.”

“You can stay here longer if you want to.”

“And how would I repay you? I’m used to leading armies, not to staying in the kitchen.”

“You will figure out something.”

“I don't know so.” Takasugi leaned head on the wall.

“What do you mean?”

“Lately… I got stuck with everything. Maybe I need something more to do. To occupy hands and thoughts. But I can only try picking odd jobs like Gintoki. No one would give a well-known criminal a steady job,” he sighed. Even if someone would give him a job there weren't many things he knew how to do.

“You can stay and help me with school.”

“You're too good, Shouyou.”

“Only you can say something like this.”

“Maybe because I'm the only one knowing the truth.” He smiled watching Shouyou. “Why can't we accept that we deserve happiness?”

“We're too harsh on ourselves.”

“Will it ever change?”

“We'll see. Let's hope it will,” Shouyou smiled to him.

 

* * *

 

The more time Shouyou spent with Takasugi, the more old sentiments revived. And lately, he wasn't a man known for his self-control.

As each day, Takasugi came to him. They sat closer than usually gathered around the candle which was the only light in the room. The power outages were nothing new in this area, but during gloomy evenings like this, they were the most unpleasant.

Takasugi seemed to fall asleep and leaned on Shouyou's shoulder. He didn't mind it at all. But when Shouyou looked at him, Takasugi was watching him closely.

“I wouldn’t mind spending eternity with you.”

“What…?”

“Just saying,” he moved back to sit on his own.

“Are you going...?” Shouyou asked, this time he didn't dare to look at Takasugi.

“I don't want to.”

“Then you can stay.”

Takasugi moved closer, but not as close as he was before. He was slow and conscious of his movement. In the end, he came back to where he was before. He dared to lean his head on Shouyou’s shoulder again.

Then the teacher spoke up: “Shinsuke, it’s too much to ask anyone for.”

“I know. I learnt the worst side of the world. I survived a lot. And I know that becoming immortal means that everything I’ve ever been through would multiply it by infinity. All the pain and all the losses. Yet, people come and go no matter if you live a few years or a few hundred years. If I stayed, you wouldn't be left alone. I wouldn't be alone… It doesn't have to be eternity or…” he moved back a bit. “At least I will bother you for the next few years. I want to be by your side for as long as I can. I don’t intend to force you to anything. Just if you happened to be thinking about something like this, I would be up for it.”

“Why?”

“I like being with you…” he moved a bit closer. He was still hesitating. “I endured all because I could still remember how kind your smile was… I…” he let the breath out. And he let all out. “You know, I fell in love with you back then. When I was a kid. I… I still love you. So I thought that maybe… I help you go through your hell. And one day maybe we’ll reach heaven together...”

“You don't mind loving a monster?”

“I don't mind loving you.” Takasugi moved closer. There was no longer hesitation in his movement. He wanted to be close to Shouyou. It was all he needed in his life.

“What if I hurt you?”

“I know you'll patch me up after.”

“It doesn't sound like the healthiest option.”

“Do we have anything better than this?”

Shouyou stayed silent.

“I know it isn't the best and you want far better for your student, but… I want to stay by your side.”

Shouyou could see that it was all true. It was his heart greatest desire. That made him more anxious. “Are you sure you didn’t idealize me by this time.”

“I know I did. You were my only guiding light in all the cruelty of the world. But I prefer to learn by myself what kind of man you truly are than not to try fearing you’re different from my vision of you.” Takasugi dared to touch him. To stroke his cheek. He didn't let himself to go far. He already got further than he ever expected. “Even if I got broken in the process, I manage to reach the heavens. I might as well steal one star from them." Takasugi smiled. “It may not be the same it seemed before. But it's still the most beautiful thing I’ve seen and I'm not intending to let it out of my hands.”

Shouyou was sitting silently. He couldn't believe what he had heard. It was like he crossed the line between reality and dreams. He was sure he was conscious. But he felt like he was falling down into one of his most pleasurable dreams. His eyes moved from his student to the candle what was burning out. Should he go deeper into it or should he go back?

“What are you thinking about?” Takasugi asked.

“Candles. I should be saving them. There’s a lot of power outage in this area...” Shouyou returned his gaze to his student. He felt how it made him fall right into the pit of his dreams, there was no way to go back. Or he wasn’t looking for it any longer. “I want to light all of them now. I want to see you.”

“Then I'll buy you all the candles in this world.”

“Weren't you thinking about getting a job?”

“Only to get something to do. I'm not worried about money. I have my ways.”

“None of which are righteous?”

“See how this foolish discipline got lost without your guidance,” Takasugi smirked.

Shouyou smiled and stood up to find the candles. He took out all of them he had in his room. He could buy more during the day. This night he was going to dream awake. He put them in every part of the room and light them one by one. Takasugi watched him silently.

Shouyou spoke when he lighted the last one. “I spent so much time trying to push myself away from you. But I never could get my eyes off you. I tried to never think of it. You call it all love and that's probably what it is. Something that could never be shaken off. No matter how far we get from each other, how many years have passed.” Only after all these words, Shouyou dared to look again at his student. His fragile, sensitive boy. Shouyou came close and cradle his face in his hands. He knew Takasugi always armored himself with a smirk and sizing gaze. He used to do it as a child too. Back then Shouyou menage sometimes to break through it. He didn’t expect to see him like this again.

Shouyou stroked his cheek. “Can I kiss you?”

Takasugi nodded unable to speak.

Shouyou moved closer. He placed his lips onto Takasugi’s lips. Gently. Slowly. They had all the eternity for each other, so they could simply melt into moments like this.

Takasugi clenched his hands of Shouyou’s kimono. He made his greatest dream come true. His hands grabbed the ghost. Even if the price of it was becoming the ghost himself.

“I think I love you,” Shouyou murmured between kisses.

“So love me more.” Takasugi pulled him closer.

_I’ll be here. I’ll be always with you._ Shouyou meant kissing off Takasugi’s lips. _I’ll be forever with you._ Soon they bodies ignited from each others’ warmth. Heart rates rose. Bodies matched. Limbs tangled. Everything mixed in the most perfect composition.

Around the dawn, the candles burned out. They were needed anymore. The sunlight filled the room. It didn't rain anymore. Everything was still beautiful and ideal. But every dream has to end at some point. Shouyu felt the fragility of this moment right under his fingertips.

“I can't get used to it,” Shouyou whispered tracing over the sealed eyelid. Takasugi turned his head to take this side of him away. Shouyou immediately said: “No, please, look at me." He cupped his face in his hands. "All I can think is how could I not be there to protect you."

"I can protect myself." Takasugi turned his gaze away.

"I know, I know. I’ll still be worried about you sometimes,” Shouyou said caressing his cheek. “I'm thinking how much had happened when I was gone.”

“It was a long time.”

"I'm sorry it took me so long."

Takasugi smiled and looked back to him. "Welcome back."

"I'm finally home."

Takasugi hugged him. He had just drowned in Shouyou’s arms. They both were finally home.

"You can watch over me," Takasugi said slowly.

"If?"

"If you let me watch over you. So you don't get hurt ever again."

“Sounds fair,” Shouyou nuzzled into Taksugi’s hair. He tried to hide how deeply these words were touching him. Takasugi was healing one by one the scars on Shouyou’s heart, but these healed places were still sensitive and fragile. It was making him anxious.

“Shouyou…”

“Hm?”

“All these years I loved you. I was waiting for you.”

“Silly, you should have found someone better.”

“I tried. But no one could fill that hole in my heart. My eyes could only see you. One was seeing the past, the other was looking for any trace of you in present. Finally, they’re both seeing the same image.”

Shuyou hugged him closer. All he could think was that he couldn’t lose this boy. How could he survive something like this?

“Shinsuke… I thought about what you’ve said.”

“I’ve said a lot of things.”

“That you want to stay for a bit longer.”

“Yeah.”

“I don’t know if it’ll work. I don’t know. I might hurt you trying to do something like this.”

“I’m already in bad shape, it’s hard to make it worse.”

“What if it would?”

“I don’t have much time left either way. At least I could meet you again. At least the last night could happen.”

“People come and go?”

“Unfortunately.”

“I’ll be always grateful for the last night.”

“We should repeat it then,” Takasugi chuckled. “Don’t worry that much. I can endure a lot. I’ll be fine.”

“My fearless boy,” Shouyou murmured and kissed his forehead.

He reached for Takasugi’s sword. He unsheathed it. It was the last moment for hesitation, last moment to move back. No one would tell him what to do or force him to anything. It was all his decision. And all Shouyou wanted was this dream to continue.

He cut his own arm and let the blood drop into Takasugi’s mouth.

Takasugi clenched onto him. He felt how something foreign moved through his veins, flew to his heart and made it beat faster. The more it circulates in his body, the less he could feel it.

Shouyou took away his wounded arm and let it heal, while still embracing Takasugi with another one. He could feed him again if it wasn’t enough. For now, he wanted to minimise the risk that his body would refuse the blood. Humans were more immune for it than other races, but Takasugi was extremely weakened. Shouyou would rather be overprotective than worsen his condition.

Takasugi looked up and him when everything calmed down. He looked healthier. The bags under his eyes lightened, but they didn’t disappear completely yet. One of his eyes was still sealed by the cruelty of this world. Shouyou would never let it something like this happen again. He would guard his side forever from now on.

And so they continue to live their dream together happily ever after. For so long that no one remembered some one-eyed terrorist. For so long that the story of the monstrous crow got blurred and forgotten. For so long that more known became the tale of the two teachers. One with long blond hair and always gentle smile, the other with a wounded eye and a bit bad personality, but with a soft and fragile heart.

Everything is possible if you keep struggling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to thank everyone who made it with me through this series of fics, I'll love you all


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